I do not think it means what you think it means

Time to clear up a few linguistic issues.  These have gone on quite long enough, thanks very much, so we’re going to set it straight.

1) No more homonyms

The homonym (words that sound the same but are spelled differently) is one of the most irritating, and arguably useless, artifacts of the English language.  Take for example the classic trifecta of To, Too, and Two.  All too often, incorrect usage of one when you should have used the other hinders what we were trying to say.  The reader is distracted from the point of the message by the error, and worse it can lower the perception of the writer’s intelligence, an unfair assessment for an easy mistake.  It’s also unfair because we can easily tell what the writer meant to say, which is the point of communicating in the first place.  Which brings us to why such an arrangement is useless- meaning and context.

Context (along with sentence structure) provides all the cues, clues, and linguistic framework needed to discern the meaning of To, Too, and Two, even if we settled on one spelling.  Here are some examples to illustrate.

“I want to go to Starbucks.”  Simple and grammatically correct by our current rules.

“I want to go two Starbucks.”  This version is wrong.  How do you know it’s wrong?  The rules of sentence structure tell you that “two” is the wrong word to use in this case.  But, and this is the point, if you can determine what the writer should have used by looking at the whole sentence (the context in which “two” was used), you don’t need to have two spellings in the first place.  Allow one word to change its meaning based on context, and the problem is solved.

Here’s another example, with all three words used-

“I want to go to Starbucks, and Esmerelda and Winston want to go too, but my car only seats two people.  Sucks to be Winston.”

If we instead say this-

“I want to go to Starbucks, and Esmerelda and Winston want to go to, but my car only seats to people.  Sucks to be Winston.”

Once again, if you think this is wrong, it’s because of context.  Context tells you what the words should be, and if it can do that, then you’ve proved that you can use only “to” and still understand the proper meaning.

Even if we aren’t working within a sentence, context still works-

“I want to go to Starbucks.”

“Me too!”

If I substituted “Me to!” or “Me two!”, you’d still know what the intended meaning was, and again if you can do that you don’t need more than one spelling.

Finally, say any of these examples out loud.  You’ll quickly realize that To, Too, or Two becomes irrelevant and we rely 100% on context.  None of these homonym shenanigans carry over to the spoken language.

2) ”Came by it honestly”

Here’s a popular saying that is often used opposite from what the words actually say.  You’ll hear it most commonly used to refer to a personality trait a person has that they supposedly got from their one of their parents, and thus involved no effort on their part.  But this is the reverse of the meaning in any other case.

If I inherited a small fortune from a deceased uncle, I would not say that I “came by it honestly”.  Nor would that be the case if I took ownership of a family business by simply being the next heir.  But if I built up a business or company of my own, through nothing more than hard work and dedication, we’d all agree that I came by it honestly.  Same thing applies in other areas- religion, for instance.  If I stuck with the faith of my parents and never really considered or questioned, to say that I came by it honestly would sound, well, dishonest.  I didn’t come by anything.  But if I examined, and searched and decided on that path or some other, then I could certainly claim to have come by it as honestly as possible.  So it doesn’t make sense to say you came by it honestly just because you are as big a smart-alec/sports fan/cigar aficionado as your dear old Dad. Give DNA the credit, unless you really worked at it.

3) ”I don’t care to do that”

How do you interpret that statement?  I tell you how I interpret it- it means I don’t want to do that!  Whatever “that” is I leave to your fertile imagination.  Your list may be different from mine.  However, if you live on the eastern edge of Middle Tennessee (or the western edge of East Tennessee, depending on how you slice your geography) there is some linguistic Dark Side of the Force at work that twists sentences around for the sole purpose of starting pointless arguments and raising blood pressure.

“I want to go to Starbucks while we’re out.”

“I don’t care to do that.”

“I’ll only be a minute, you can wait in the car if you want.”

“I said it was fine!”

“What??  When?”

If you live within a 30 mile radius of the Cumberland Plateau, you may have some odd definition of the word “care” with which I was previously unfamiliar.

4) ”Do you want to go with?”

This one is not as much a problem as phrases that are used in ways that subvert their definitions, but it still took me aback the first time I heard it.  Technically, it’s ending a sentence with a preposition, but we’re kinda used to that around here.  It’s more the sudden, abrupt ending, where one expected a “me” or “us” or “Winston”.

Astute readers may want to call me out on a double-standard; I cannot claim that context is sufficient to know what is meant by To, Too, or Two even if one spelling is used, and also not allow this question.  And you’re right.  Context in any conversation where this sentence is used will give you all the clues you need to know what “with” is implying.

But it’s just way too easy and fun to f**k with…

“I’m going to Starbucks.  Do you want to go with?”

“With?  With what?  You?  Plan B?  Winston to get a haircut and then lunch?”

So yeah, you can use it and get by on context, but expect some smart-assery.

5) Quit abusing apostrophes

This is the most egregious offense, because it is so rampantly prevalent and even professional writers and advertisers do it.  Probably the worst I’ve seen was a billboard for a car dealer (and I won’t name them) that read as follows:

“You’re best deal is in Carthage!”

Yep, you read that right.  Not just an apostrophe, but as a result a different word altogether.  Expanding the contraction, this billboard actually reads “You are best deal is in Carthage!” which I suppose is a car dealer’s version of  ”All your base are belong to us”.

I’ve also seen it on packaging in the meats section at Kroger, although the name of the company escapes me at the moment.  In both cases, the misspelling had to get past the writer, the proofreader, the editor, the advertising & design people and the customer for final approval.  And no one caught it.  Amazing, especially in the case of the billboard.

Here are a few I see quite often-  Get’s.  CPU’s.  Want’s.  Kitten’s.  Two of these are always wrong, and the other two are usually wrong.

An apostrophe is used in three cases- possessive, contraction, and plurals of lowercase letters.  It is not used for possessive pronouns or plural nouns.  It is also not used in any word ending in “s” just because you freaking felt like it.

Contraction- “Do not” becomes “Don’t”

Possessive- “That is Esmerelda’s double espresso.”

Plurals of lower case letters- “This sentence has four t’s in it.”

Wrong- “Esmerelda has kitten’s for sale.”  No no no no no no no. “Kitten’s” isn’t a contraction of two words.  It’s not a possessive (the little fluffballs do not possess anything in the sentence).  And if there is more than one kitten, it’s just “kittens.”  You could say “The kitten’s claws” as this is using an apostrophe to indicate a possessive.

“It’s” is one that’s very easy to get wrong.  Just remember that it is a contraction of “it is” and you’ll get it right every time.  ”It’s” as a possessive is always wrong.

“Gets” is a usually a verb. “Get’s” isn’t anything.  It can’t be used as a possessive, and it’s not even a mistakenly apostrophized plural.  It’s just a word ending in “s”, grammatical collateral damage.  Apostrophe abuse is rarely a smart bomb.

“Winston get’s a mocha frappucino at Starbucks.”

No. No he doesn’t. He said he didn’t care to do that, so I took Esmerelda.

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